Why the question?

Is it pathetic to send flowers to yourself on a special occasion? You might have heard this advice from friends before and thought that you would never stoop down to spending money just so you can feel good, or pretend that you got flowers from someone.

However, this ‘trick’, if you want to call it that, is the oldest relationship mind game there is. It makes your partner wonder what you did to deserve those anonymously delivered flowers, who could have sent them and even why he didn’t think of sending them to you himself.

You have to act like you were absolutely flabbergasted by the surprise though, for the trick to work. This way, your partner won’t have cause to get mad at you because… you also have absolutely no clue as to who sent them and why!

This not-so-subtle ‘hint’ will remind him that he should pay more attention to your romantic needs and not take you for granted just because you’ve been together for so long and you probably will never leave him even if he never sent you flowers at all.

Of course, there is a possibility that he’s going to think that you sent them to yourself to make him jealous, but if you keep it up and bring out the heirloom vase to put the flowers in, there is always that nagging thought in his mind that someone might be admiring you from a distance … hence bring out protective and possessive feelings.

Did I ever send flowers to myself? No, but i sent myself a cake once with “you’re so sweet and special” written in chocolate icing. I ate the cake dreamily in front of him, smiling the whole time (mainly because I think chocolate is the best foodstuff in the world, but he doesn’t know that).

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I’ve been re-reading my IM archives and trying to find a pattern among the petty relationship fights that some of my friends and acquaintances asked me to help them with. I realize that there are stuff that women and men say to each other that could mean one or 2 other things… I call these, loaded statements and questions.

Mind games are situations or issues that put someone in a defensive mindset. There’s usually no getting around these issues and no getting out of them when you let yourself be locked in. The key to avoiding (surviving) the uncomfortable second guessing that follows is to stay “safe”.

Here are some examples of “mind game” scenarios that men and women allow themselves to be sucked into, and my suggestions on how to handle them.

1. Do you think she’s pretty / Do you think he’s hot? - translated as “do you prefer her/him over me”. This question and how you answer it are commonly the sources of insecurity, which in turn is the underlying cause of all petty fights. A clueless answer to that would be “hell yeah!”, but the correct one would be “she’s/he’s okay”. Saying no would be a lie (as you’ve been openly ogling the girl/guy in question… duh.), and saying “oh you’re prettier/hotter” would come across as patronizing. The “just ok” reply will also be useful in fishing-type questions, such as “does this top make me look fat or ugly?”

2. You’ve been out with your friends again! Perhaps I’m becoming a barrier between you and your hundreds of social affairs! - Translated as “spend more time with me, and if possible, spend ALL of your extra time with me.” The key to getting around this would be sating your partner’s craving for your company by spending quality time with her/him. Then, gently explain why you consider spending 2 or 3 nights a week with your friends important to you. Strike up a deal, wherein he/she will tolerate your time with your friends if you spend an equal amount of quality time with her/him.

3. Don’t ever call/talk to me again - which brings the question “does he/she mean it?” to mind. First step, assess the situation. Is your transgression heavy enough to turn off a person, any person, even you? Usually, a person means the “don’t-ever” part during the phase of intense irritability. Give your partner space and time to forgive you in his/her mind, and DON’T CALL just yet. Missing you after some time will probably make the pride go away. Also, offer a humble, but by no means apologetic truce (read: don’t apologize if you know it’s not your fault). Just say “If you feel like talking already, I’m just here” then move away again, so that the ball is at your partner’s court. Note also that I said talking, not venting.

4. Are you having fun over there? - This is by far the most difficult mind game question to decipher because the no-strings-attached version and the loaded version sound exactly alike. Even if your partner isn’t the jealous type, be very careful in answering this question. When you’re out of town with other people (including members of the opposite sex) and your partner calls you to ask how you’re doing, just say “yeah the party’s fun, but it’d be more so if you were here.” That last bit will be the key to avoiding any further loaded questions, whether or not the first one was loaded.

There’s no guarantee that these recommendations will work, because in mind games, one never really knows what works or not. The statement “don’t play mind games with me” that we hear so often will not work, because the other party might not even realize that he/she is playing mind games with you.