I have long been posting about Guy Friends and how love can develop from a simple friendship. All the songs and movies about friends evolving to lovers confirm our suspicion that while the cupid guy sometimes shoots at unwary strangers, he is more likely to target the people that are already familiar with each other.

A reader, Anne (not her real name), recently sent in a question about her guy friend/suitor problem. Like every one who has ever been in that gray area between love and friendship, she is confused and more than a little bit excited at the thought that she could be more than just friends with a long time homie.

Here’s her question:

• Hello!! I came across you website and I thought I might ask about a particular guy that I’m interested in… Well first off, we’re pretty good friends, although, over the past month we’ve started to get closer. We have just been hanging out more by ourselves rather than hanging out in the group we always hang out in. I’m just wondering if he’s starting to have feelings for me because sometimes he’ll say that he misses me. Also, the last time that we went to the movies alone, he put his arm around me and we cuddled throughout the entire movie. Would a guy do that with a girl he just likes as a friend? Also, sometimes he’ll call me before he goes to sleep. Could I be overanalyzing this?

Anne’s story is a classic friends-to-lovers dilemma. While we would love to have a clear line between love and friendship, there is none. What we do have is that transition period when everything gets so confusing that one seeks outside influence to figure it out.

Here’s my response:

• Hey, Anne. There’s a thing called ‘mutual understanding’ which happens when a friendship reaches that exact point where you are now. It’s like, you’re very good friends and have now been thinking about each other romantically, and every sweet gesture (arms around each other in the movies etc) adds to that.This phase will ONLY be broken (you and your guy friend proceed to the love phase or go back to ‘really just friends’) if…

• 1. One or the other risks asking “What are we?”. This is usually the unspoken question that never gets asked because the “mutual understanding phase” is very comfortable and safe, though open-ended. And,

• 2. One or the other gets in a relationship with a third party. Remember that under the ‘barely lovers, more than friends’ banner, there is no exclusivity. You have not yet committed to a serious relationship and can be open to others coming in.

So how about it, peeps. What do you think?

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“We talked about us last night after sex. It was very romantic. He laughed along with my crazy wedding ideas up until the point when I started making up baby names. Now he won’t answer my calls. Did I scare him?”

Will telling a guy about your dreams of a future with him always result in him never talking to you again? Not really. But it will force him to think about other things about your relationship besides the love making and the romantic fun. An ordinary guy who cannot look beyond the easy-go-lucky romance side of the relationship may need some time off after being directly or indirectly confronted with concepts of a more binding relationship set-up. Hence, a girl gets the cold shoulder for a duration.

I loved the movie The Bachelor because of two things:

• It made more people aware of just how scary the word “future” is to commitment-phobic individuals, and…
• It was the source of one of the most beautiful quotes I have ever heard: It?s a wonderful thing, as time goes by, to be with someone who looks into your face when you?ve gotten old, and still sees what you think you look like.

Short of handing out a calling card saying “Will give best love, but no marriage proposals in the near future”, a guy can simply tell a hopeful girl about his views on commitment and marriage. This goes with the risk of complicating an otherwise hassle-free date, but it effectively squashes any illusions of the ‘future’ when a guy doesn’t have that to offer yet.

Being on the same page with a girlfriend is better than buttering her up and making her think that you are for keeps. There is such a thing as an ‘honest player’ who can share a wonderfully sexy romance with a girl without breaking her heart when it inevitably ends.

Playing doesn’t necessarily mean playing with emotions. Sharing a love, or what seems like love, with someone who understands where you’re coming from can be an excellent learning experience, not to mention a good practice ground for romantic skills. If you can’t play without misleading the other person, do not play at all.

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In moments of rejection and dejection, this is the best thing to do.

Self loving isn’t a bad thing if it is done sparsely but meaningfully.Some people resort to retail therapy. I tried that once and I hated it. Spending so much on yourself and feeling great for a while, then going back home to feel just as empty as before. It’s not my thing.

I’ve hugged myself a lot of times in the past, just as I’m hugging myself now. Instead of craving for someone else’s comfort, why not start with yourself? You’re the only one who knows what you’re really feeling anyway. Play the ‘friendly advice’ game alone and try to work it out, before you seek other people’s sympathy.

Friends have their own problems too, and while all the greeting cards and stuffed animals in the world promote the “I will always be here for you” statement, this may not always be true. Listening to you while you’re ranting is a nice gesture, but expecting people to solve your problems for you is foolish. Friends can only supply a few drops of comfort to your empty glass, so you have to fill it halfway first on your own before others can pitch in.

Tell yourself that everything’s gonna be fine, and that the pain will go away soon. Hug tightly at times when the hurt becomes unbearable.

People see that you’re making an effort to pick up the pieces of your broken dreams, and they will volunteer to help. Just as long as you lead the campaign to make you feel well again. A leader is the loneliest person in any group, because he has to make the decisions alone in his mind, regardless of a consensus. This time, you are the head of a very important project: rebuilding your shattered hopes. When the captain starts the engines again, the crew will man the oars, and you will be well on your way to a brighter new beginning.
Holding a half-filled glass in your hands, you’re now ready to talk to people. Tell them how the glass was so empty before you poured tiny drops of self-love into it. Then you ask them “can you help me fill this up to the brim?” Someday, someone will come along and pour in an ocean of love that your glass of hope will be overflowing.

But for now, hug yourself.

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Why do we like people?

It seems uncanny how we clearly delineate between those we like and those we don’t like. What are our bases for making people our friends or enemies? In the same line of thinking, how do we know when a friendship is starting and when it is over?

I try to keep it simple. I categorize my friends into acquaintances and specials. The acquaintances always see my nice side, they never hear of my rants, but at the same time, they never feel my emotional outbursts and sudden floods of affection.

To the special ones, I show my true colors. I show how intense I can be when I feel strongly about something, and most of the time, the extremes of my personality. See, there’s no middle ground to how I feel. Either I feel something 110%, or I’m completely oblivious to it. Those who see my passion see the real me, and I’m left vulnerable and in their mercy. They can hurt me, even make me feel warm at times, and more often than not, make me happy by just having a conversation. Those who don’t, see only the surface. These acquaintances cannot hurt me, and cannot evoke the happiness I feel when im with my specials.

Admittedly, not everyone who I show my true colors to understand the implications. They get turned off, and just decide that they can’t handle my friendship. While this is a fact that i accept, a certain pain comes with the realization that someone I like doesn’t like me back.

I need not say that I have a hundred acquaintances and only a handful of friends. But I treasure that handful and keep them with me forever. I become their champion, their ally, their confidante and most importantly, their refuge. I see time in its alpha and omega. I realize that in our single pass at life, we meet people who stand out to us over others. There are people that I never want to forget, and there are those that I have never really met, even if I was in contact with them for a long duration.

As in the occult, having something that belonged to another person keeps you in contact with that person even after he/she is gone. The paranormal theory is that you can affect that person from afar if you have something of his/hers in your possession. In terms of keeping friendships alive in my mind, I keep little stuffs that my specials give me, with the intention to never forget them. If they never gave me stuff, I ask them to. This is my personal way of protecting them from getting lost, so that I may always wish them well and remember the memories shared.

In cases of lost friendships, I grieve for a long time, yet never really show any sign.

There’s also this thing I do… a certain purging process that enables me to never remember. It brings physical pain to delete a cel number or giveaway a gift, but it must be done. Purging is emotionally tumultous, but I am comforted with the thought that the pain will soon be over… when the time comes that I don’t remember anything. It’s like emptying the trashbin in your PC, or thinking of a vague dream that you had the night before. You know what you dreamed about and what you got rid of, but as the day wears on, it becomes less and less important.

To answer my original question: Why do we like people?

We like others because of how they make us feel about ourselves

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