Relationships and Money
woobie on April 26th, 2008
Starting a lasting love connection with someone includes being on the same page and having similar goals. Directing the flow of the relationship is difficult enough with all the quirks and bumps involving feelings and reactions, but there is one more factor that becomes an issue only when the couple considers it a big part of their bond: Money. Specifically, putting up a business together while you’re still dating.
I’ve encountered two separate situations where in my ‘investment’ in the relationship included something more than my attention and effort.
A. This guy used to come over every once in a while to watch movies with me in my apartment. He demanded nothing more than good conversation and the occasional smack, which was great because I didn’t want to feel preyed on in my own turf. Our meetings were always sweet and comfortable until one night, he caught me hard at work trying to figure out the squiggles in my income tax returns form and my bank passbook.
We joked around about how I’m not spending enough, and traded outrageous ideas on which market trends will skyrocket the coming year. He went quiet for a while then suddenly opened his notebook and started typing. My heart sank lower and lower as I realized that he was serious about starting a business with me.
B. I once hero worshiped a guy who embodies Superman’s energy and Batman’s cunning. When he finally asked me out, I sat there smiling and enthusiastic as he talked about his plans for the future (’our’ future, he said). He mentioned that he might just put up a business that will generate some profit during the 2 years that he’s still in the country, and without hesitation, I pledged my monetary support.
The business was sound. As expected, he handled it well and I, the silent partner, cheered him on. Trouble started when he increasingly became petulant, saying that I only called him to talk about our ‘biz. I soon got tired of explaining myself, but waited for our biz to break even before telling him that ‘maybe this isn’t working’. He didn’t argue.
What is the Focus?
A promising relationship and the potential of growing together are the similar elements in both situations. However, in situation A, I wanted to focus on the love connection more than the business; while the opposite was true in situation B.
Reflecting on the lessons I learned from these two almost-relationships, i can conclude that embarking on an enterprise together while still dating is a bad idea. The pressure of simultaneously maintaining a romance and keeping the business from plummeting may just be too much for a starting couple. I’m not saying that it isn’t doable, and more resilient couples may just make it, but mixing something as impersonal as cash during the time when both parties are still testing the waters could break the initial connection they felt for each other.
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I totally agree with you.
Personally, I’ve always felt that money matters and joint business ventures are always awkward to discuss, more so get into early in the relationship. It just gets in the way of making the initial connection last, usually leaving one in doubt about the other person’s real intention.
Nice post! :)
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@KCee
Thanks KCee. Yeah, talking about money during a date is considered as tacky in most cultures, particularly if you just met the person or dont know him that well.
IMHO, you shouldn’t be talking merging money matters until you are either pregnant or living together. It’s one thing to be involved and supportive of your partner’s financial situation. It’s a totally different thing to be ingrained in the decision making process or have a stake fiduciary stake in their success. Wow! That all sounded pretty smart.
I had a situation were my bf wanted to dictate how I run my business, blogging and publishing. He wanted to have a voice in what I write and who I’ll publish. What topics to cover and the design of my work. More than just being helpful, he wanted to be a “manager”. He also though he should get a cut of my revenue just because he had his hands in my lap. Please.
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i have mixed opinions…. of course i think its a bad idea going into business with a girl that I will most likely fuck things up with on a personal level in the near future…
but on the other hand.. i tend to get really focused on whatever i am into at the time.. and having a girl focused on the same thing would help our bond grow stronger..
that is until, like i said, i fuck things up on a personal level and everything we’ve worked for goes down the drain.
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@Bad Evan
If I were the one with the hand on my lap, I’d probably have agreed to everything. Then claim that “Oh i thought that was just sexy talk! I’m not one to sink your boat while you were at it, baby” later on. LOL
@Bobby
Yes, exactly. When we mix pleasure with business, it’s difficult to determine whether “Cmon, let’s make this work!” refers to the business or the love affair. I’m betting it’s the business. :D
“He demanded nothing more than good conversation and the occasional smack”
I see no reason to hit the guy. What’s wrong with you women?
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@Turnip
Uncle, the term ’smack’ is a 90’s lingo for kiss. What was it called during your hayday in the 60’s? :D
I think business between man and woman is only good when they are married.
Kinda like how my Dad and Mum.
Except that Mum is just a silent partner in name, Dad forked out everything, money, time, etc.
Mum is a house wife at home while Dad works his rear end off.
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